I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
