god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
