Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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