i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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