just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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