Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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