remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
