Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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