Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
