I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
