Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
