Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
