sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
