if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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