after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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