I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
