I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Less talking, more tequila
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
