Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
