Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
