Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
