I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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