if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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