Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
