Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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