Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
His hands were made for my vagina.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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