i came on her dog
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
