I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
