i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
