You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
