1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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