so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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