Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
