Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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