did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
