Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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