Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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