its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
