I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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