she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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