If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
