if you like me you must not know who I am
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
