Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
