You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
