what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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