I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think my nap took me to another dimension
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
