Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
