I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
