Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
