Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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