hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
